Canada's Soccer Shame

I never saw Canada at no World Cup game
I could have sworn they called us by name
The commentator said Canada against France?
I was so ecstatic I started to dance!

I yelled at the TV all the while talking smack
The mighty maple leaf was on the attack!
I hollered - we'll feed 'em raw foie gras!
And have 'em all speaking Quebecois!

Suddenly I realized to my dismay
There wasn't a Canadian team in play
I was devastated;
My poor heart ached;
It appeared my beloved nation again had flaked

Like Canada withdrawing from the Kyoto Accord
Was our PM on a bender with Mayor Rob Ford?
What do you mean Ford went to rehab!
Are you telling me Ford's clean?
This must be magical, it must be a dream!
Can we give Ford's magic potion to Canada's soccer team?
Forfeiture was certainly no Canadian game
And in-absentia definitely not our middle name.

On this issue the Feds were offside
They handled the ball then shot it wide
Would this make the nation less unified?
Would our lack of soccer pride broaden the cultural divide?
Canada had a huge following for soccer
Was our government totally off its rocker?                

My outrage I could hardly contain
Someone would have to hear me complain!
On who could I release my frustration?
How about the Canadian Soccer Association?

What gives Mr. Montagliani, what gives Mr. Reed?
It's an explanation that all Canadians need
Why isn't our national soccer team kept up to speed?
Canada's past winning streaks seem brief
We're tired of excuses and bad executive, officer, chiefs

Are we supposed to hang our hopes on the Toronto Maple Leafs?

Wait a minute that's a different topic- good grief!



               
   

The Western Body

The Western body is a precious
commodity
Infantile and chronically servile,
Barely alive, it strives, not to feel deprived
In a world, in material overdrive.

Driven by fear pretending not to care
What if somehow we could have it all?
The house, the car, vacations afar
Before hitting that 50 wall
In urban sprawl

Business would cease to exist, without the body
Dress you up,
Slim you down,
Put the hair back on your crown
Pedicure this, manicure that
Flatten your tummy, suck out the fat.
Make you smart when you're dumb

Sell you a toilet that can freshen your bum

Feed you veggies, feed you meat
Fit you for loafers for your feet
Clothes for hail, clothes for sleet
Never shall you feel complete




Always leave them wanting more
Just make sure
They live near a store.
Keep extra cash in hand
It's almost too perfect
Like it was planned
Get a plastic card or two
One for the Missus
And one for you

                                       

Remember when...                              
You had a story at bed
You said your prayers
Then said amen;
Mommy tucked you in,
Kissed your little head,
You got under the covers
Beneath the spread

Way back when...
Life was so simple then
A yearning was called a yen  
To live in a world that's pretend
Where all needs are fulfilled






For yourself, you don't have to fend
While others lives completely descend;                            
Into chaos with which they contend

Reckoning; such an ugly word
The mere mention sounds absurd
Wrongs must be made right again
Enemy made into friend
Because all good things must come to an end.

Kathleen's Sin

Kathleen's Win...is
Kathleen's Sin                                                                    
Original Liberal sin from before she filled in
Our mother who art in heaven
Please find our father and do tell him:

There's people suffering in Ontario
The wealth never trickled down below
To us unfortunates on the lower rung
Some by their neck, gave up and got hung

We have Ontario universities passing fake degrees
They must be fake if there's no job guarantee                              
Swiffer has a money back guarantee
For much less than the price of an Ontario degree
Swiffer will replace your broken sweeper for free

We have a transit company in the TTC
That has put transit back a quarter century
It's user unfriendly and incidentally,
Suffering from management inertia because it's top heavy
And extremely incompatible with every transit entity

We have cities like Mississauga designed for the car
Where everybody drives one and they don't get far
The gridlock problem, is as American as apple pie
The solution is less cars to drive, less cars to buy,
Or fill the transportation void so the car need subsides.

We have a poverty/crime problem in Toronto
A proliferation of guns, gangs and drugs
Yet when you bring up social equity you get blank stares and shrugs
ill conceived government policy created the problem, so who are the real thugs?

Solving the problem is easy, examine what works in a wealthy community.
Has anybody heard of marauding gangs from Forest Hill;
Taking down scores for the pure thrill?                                                          





























Are sex workers lining The Bridal Path;
Trying to cop dope to escape withdrawal wrath?
Unwanted pregnancy in Rosedale must be through the roof
Mammoliti got away with slandering Parkdale because it's poor and that's the truth!
Don't act like the symptoms of poverty- crime and addiction, are a mystery
Please Ms. Wynne remove them from our history.

How will Kathleen gain absolution?          
Will she find Ontarian's an amicable solution?                              
There won't be no penance of Our Father or Hail Mary
Actually, quite to the contrary
More sin may be necessary!

Is Kathleen a man in androgynous clothes?
Or will she govern like a tigress, who knows
Politics is a dirty game
The public's fear influenced its aim
The face has changed, but the reality's the same.

Yeah But...Canada's Not There Yet

The voting strategy...
Hmm...let's see...
We have an ill prepared NDP
With an economic platform in its infancy
We have the tax and spend thrift, Liberal
Thinking about it, makes us anxious and miserable                      
We have the slash and burn, vainglory, Tory
With a happily ever after fairy-tale story
Who'll make women, children and the elderly sorry                              

                                                                                                                 
Hmm...let's see...
This ballot is feeling a mite heavy
The Green Party is always a safe bet
Yeah but...Canadians are slow to get there yet
Environmental awareness is off the news cycle
Corporate media needn't harass you with such trifle
Robust initiatives the feds just stifle

Excuse me, I digress
Ah yes...
Ontario is in a pathetic mess
The CBC expects voter turn out will be low
For democracy in Canada it's a serious blow
Don't treat your vote so halfhearted
Like high prices and empty shelves at Target
We may all want to realize instead
There are places where voters get a bullet to the head                          

There, there now, don't fret;
Yeah but...Canada's not there yet,
Let's wait until our wealth moves to the South Seas                          
When instead of French, Canadians will learn Chinese
Maybe Canadians would rather a Chinese democracy
With a human rights record of tyranny and atrocity
"Lest we forget" Tienanmen Square                                                  
Yeah but...not yet, is Canada there

So you were born into a system firmly placed                                  
Maybe you sought Canadian refuge from persecution you faced
Canadians died for freedom, rather than be disgraced
Withholding your vote is like a memory erased!

Do you think because you're privileged, voting a God given right?
Are you aware of the privileges that go along with being white?
In the Republic of Congo"rape/murder, it's just a shot away" not just a threat
In Syria democratic reform is what the people expect to get
Here in Canada when it comes to voting, you conveniently forget
In Canada voting's not a right, it's like hedging a bet
Taking for granted our place at the table is set
Our radicalized youth problem, poverty did beget
Yeah but... it's a great place to live, Canada's not there yet.

Hold Your Nose And Vote

Hold your nose when you go out and vote
Canada's populous province is barely afloat                    
Ontario the Titanic is like a most famous boat                      
About to hit an iceberg - that's all she wrote

Jobs are the theme of election day,
Many haven't got one but hey, that's OK
We'll go ahead and cut a hundred thousand more,
So instead of three part time jobs you will need four!

Taxes!
What do you have to say about that?
Vote for Tim Hudak and he'll go to bat
Like a slimmer Rob Ford, he'll trim the fat
A newer Mike Harris, though, more of a rat.

David "Tuna"Tsubouchi

He'll pour over the books like a university grad.
But you can't hit him up for a loan like dear ol' dad
By the time he saves you money, a degree you could have had
Become an intern or volunteer, it's a Canadian fad!
Remember we're tightening belts, it's not all that bad
Take it in a couple notches you look svelte, just a tad.

Ah but don't worry there's canned tuna in the food bank
Remember David "Tuna" Tsubouchi the useless Tory crank?
He was a Harris MPP holding cabinet rank
He said eat dented cans of tuna, but not as a prank
For 69 cent tuna, you'll have Tsubouchi to thank!                      
                                                                                                   
Wait!
Halt the clock!                                                                                
When exactly does the belt tightening stop?                                    
Seems every year politicians claim taxes they'll chop
But taxes keep going up more than they drop.
In the mean time our wages just flop.
Hudak will save us money so we can non-stop shop!
You say welfare recipients could do with less pop?
Obesity is caused by poverty, when you can afford only glop
Not even in a million years their place will you swap
When I ate at a soup kitchen, the main course was slop

Just hold your nose when you go out to vote
A new Western custom we can schlep like a tote                          
We're like America now, we can no longer gloat
Give a slight cough there's a frog in your throat

After we're through cutting the taxes we nail
The feds can take our money to build a better jail
Get yourself an American style, prison-job,locking up blacks!
And you can call that Progressive Conservative or Tory kick backs.

                                                                                                 

The Job Alchemist

Gather round kiddies                                                  
I have political tales to tell
You have to be an adult child
To be put under my spell
Preferably a voter with a mentality of twelve,                          
Into my bag of political tricks, I will surely delve.

Now watch this hand as I reach for my ax,
Because I know how all of you despise tax
As you can see it's not Adam Smith's invisible hand
Because drastic times requires taking a stand!
                                                                                                             

In one fell swoop
I will use my implement to cut social gains
A neat magic trick I learned from John Maynard Keynes
I'll rid you of a hundred thousand jobs serving you well
But I'll keep mine for 8 years and you'll hardly begin to tell

Earlier I said I had an ax, I should confess
It's really a job for a hatchet
But keep cool, keep calm, and don't stress
When the cuts ramp up that I will ratchet
My next little trick will surely impress

Watch this hand kiddies pull a million jobs from thin air
Poof before your eyes you'll see them appear.
You'll say come on Mister Hudak
Can you really do that?
To which I'll say, Philip Cross certainly thinks I'm on track,
He says the public sector needs to trim the fat.

A vote for me kiddies is a vote for prosperity
Never mind the growing inequality gap and disparity
Never mind income earners on the lower tier
That rely on government for subsidy and for their care

I say markets should be ours for the making
And government a privately controlled undertaking                
I say put an end to publicly funded health care
After all, its really  just another form of welfare
Plus all my friends are all rich so what do I care.
Vote for me and everybody will pay their way, I swear!

Psychos With Weak Hearts

What's the number one prescribed drug in the U.S.?

Take a second,

Take a wild guess!

You couldn't have guessed it in a million years.

It's a drug to help allay their fears.

If you guessed weed, heroin or crack

You're not far off, but on the wrong track. 

According to Terry O'Reilly's yak 

Big pharma must sell, more of it than smack,

It's an anti psychotic, called Abilify 

If you consider Dahmer or Bundy-

You needn't ask why-

Big Pharma profits off the mentally awry?

While American Psychos 

Like John Connolly, 

Work for the F.B.I. 

Haha you say, 

Funny guy!                           

What's the number one prescribed drug in Canada you ask? 

It comes in a pill bottle, but should come in a flask

So we can slurp it with our morning coffee

It's a drug called Crestor                                                                 

So we don't get a heart attack, 

While playing hockey;

AstraZenaca makes it 

They're from London not Milwaukee       

Getting back to coffee                                                            

Not the one flavored like toffee

Canada's number one home brew 

Without further ado

Is Maxwell House!

In America it's Folgers!

Who knew!

Just think, 

If they gave Charlie Manson Abilify

Abigail Folger wouldn't have had to die

Hey what do you get if you cross- 

A Canadian with an American

After a dose of Western medicine

After being diagnosed 

By their Big Pharma flunky, physician?

Why, you get,

A serial killer with a heart condition!